The Identity Driven Life: Session 8 – Toxic Relationships

Notes:

Toxic Relationships

We were created as relational beings. God’s main purpose in relationships is love. It is in relationships that we learn how to love. But sometimes relationships can become harmful.

Three Kinds Of Toxic Relationship

1) The Desire To Control Others

In every relationship each person should be free to make choices for themselves. When that freedom to choose is denied a person becomes violated as an individual. Even when a person is in a role of submission, their submission is of a voluntary nature. The meaning of the word submission is that it is something which is given, not taken. If it is given it is submission; if it is taken it is control.

There is a difference between biblical authority or unrighteous authoritarianism:

  • Righteous authority is exercised in divinely appointed positions of leadership within the family, the church and society, for the purpose of ordering life on earth. It is characterized by voluntary submission to loving leadership.
  • Authoritarianism is the corruption of authority. It is an attempt to usurp control over another person’s life by demanding unquestioned submission.

True spiritual authority is characterised by a servant heart (Matt.20:25-28), a gentle spirit (1 Thes.2:7), and an exemplary life (1 Pet.5:2-3;  1 Cor.11:1).

Control is the endeavour of one person to dominate another. This usually happens either through intimidation or manipulation.

  • Intimidation uses direct means of control.
  • Manipulation uses indirect means of control.
  • Spiritual abuse uses legalism in its efforts to control.

2) The Desire To Change Others

  • A relationship is potentially damaging when one person attempts to change another. The ‘changer’ thinks they know better than the other person concerning what is good for them.
  • A person who operates this way fails to make the distinction between being responsible to others and being responsible for
  • When we attempt to change another person we lose control of our own lives.
  • Co-dependency takes place when a person sets himself up as a life source for another.
  • God’s grace is His power to effect change in our own lives; but not to change others.
  • If you have been operating in the role of ‘changer’ to someone you need to repent of your failure to trust the Holy Spirit’s work in them. Learn to connect them to Christ the true Vine.
  • If you have been living in dependence on another person to meet your needs, you also need to repent and make the transition from co-dependency to Christ-dependency.

3) The Desire To Be Carried By Others

  • A ‘carrying’ relationship is one in which one person attempts to shield another from the consequences of their actions. In a carrying relationship instead of a man reaping what he has sown, he sows and another reaps.
  • There are, of course, times when we help others to face the crises and trials they encounter. This is different to relieving them of their responsibilities, however.


# Answers to this quiz are found in the notes above. Click on quiz to commence. Only correct spelling is recognised. A minimum 70%  correct is required to advance to the next session.